Survivors of childhood sexual assault often carry a heavy burden of guilt that is not theirs to hold. This page offers a compassionate space to understand that feeling and begin to release it.
I was sexually assaulted as a child by someone my parents trusted, and I feel guilty because I remember enjoying it at the time. I have not told anyone, and I am wondering whether to tell my mother now or after her exams, and how I can bring it up despite being shy.
Yeh jo aap ke saath hua, yeh bilkul galat tha. Aap us waqt bachche the, aur aapne kuch galat nahi kiya. Jo aap "enjoy karna" keh rahe hain, woh ek normal physical response hai — jism ka reaction hota hai, chahe aap chahein ya na. Iska matlab yeh nahi ke aap chahte the ya aap iske liye responsible hain. Yeh guilt aap par bojh hai jo aapko nahi uthana chahiye. Aap ne kisi ko nahi bataya, aur yeh bhi samajh mein aata hai — log kya kahenge, maa par bojh, sab kuch.
Aap ki maa ke exams hain, aur woh grandmother ki bhi tension le rahi hain. Is waqt unhe batane se unka stress aur badh sakta hai, aur aapko bhi woh response nahi mil sakta jo aap deserve karti hain. Mera khayal hai ke exams ke baad batana behtar hoga — do-teen hafte ka intezaar kar sakti hain. Lekin is beech mein aap akela mehsoos na karein. Aap Noor se baat kar sakti hain (yahan /community mein bhi likh sakti hain), ya ek diary mein likh kar nikaal sakti hain. Yeh guilt aur pressure ko kam karega.
Agar aap ko lagta hai ke aap se abhi aur nahi ruka jaata, aur aap kisi tarah bata dena chahti hain, toh exams ke beech bhi bata sakti hain — lekin phir aap yeh samajh kar bataayein ke maa ka pehla reaction shock hoga, aur woh exams par focus nahi kar paayengi. Dono options mein aap ka faisla sahi hai. Koi perfect time nahi hota.
Aap ko aapna tareeqa dhoondhna hai. Yeh ek baar mein poora story nahi batana zaroori — aap thoda thoda kar sakti hain. Kuch steps jo madad kar sakte hain:
Yeh aap ka raaz hai, aur aap ise apni tarah se bata sakti hain. Agar aap ko lagta hai ke maa se seedha nahi ho payega, toh koi aur trusted adult ho — koi aunt, school counsellor, ya koi helpline jaise Rozan ya Umeed Pakistan (unka number main nahi janti, lekin aap Google kar sakti hain). Lekin aap ki maa ko batana aap ke liye sab se acha hoga, kyunki woh aap ki pehli support hain.
Aap ne likha ke aap ne "enjoy kiya" — yeh aap ko ajeeb lag raha hai. Lekin bachpan mein jism ka reaction alag hota hai. Koi bhi touch, chahe woh galat ho, agar aap us waqt samajh nahi rahe the ke kya ho raha hai, toh aap ka jism respond kar sakta hai. Iska matlab yeh nahi ke aap chahte the. Yeh aap ki ghalti nahi hai. Aap victim hain, partner nahi. Yeh guilt abhi chhodiye — aap ne kuch galat nahi kiya.
Aap 17 saal ki hain, aur aap ne itna mushkil raaz uthaya hai. Yeh bohot himmat ka kaam hai ke aap ab bataane ka soch rahi hain. Exams ke baad bataayein, aur beech mein Noor se baat karein. Aap akela nahi hain.
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